Because I don't feel like writing the past couple of days out at the moment, I'm going to post what I wrote on the After Abortion boards. A lot more went on, but nothing really worth mentioning...or that you'd want to hear. Anyway, here goes.

"Well, strangely enough my Thanksgiving went fine...went to an ex's (Gabe's) house (although we "act" like we're together) and spent the night...and had sex for the first time since the ab. It wasn't so bad, a little strange, but not bad.

Anyway, on to the next day. That afternoon his sister walks through the door, and one of the first things she does is mouth to me "are you pregnant?" to which I freeze up. We go to the kitchen and I tell her what happened...she was very supportive though. She also told me about a dog that had been in today (she recently started working for a vet) and had been pregnant, but was being spaid (not sure how to spell that) and they took out all seven of her babies, just pulling them out of her like it was nothing. She got really upset about it (she's had 2 miscarriages) and I could completely understand.

Anyway, later that night, after getting my ex's drunken brother out of some pasture (after shooting 2 beautiful pink spoonbills, which I almost cried about) we went back, and there was Gabe's 21 year old cousin, 3 kids in tow, one of them probably only one year old. I could not stand to look at that baby for the life of me...and of course the baby crawled around in front of me and just stared at me. Part of the time, so did the 5 year old. It was heartbreaking to look at any of them. Once they left for a little bit, I confessed to my ex's sister about why I looked so upset. I kept saying how horrible I felt knowing that I had told someone to take my baby away from me, and how careful I had been up to that point, how amazingly perfect I had been about everything (I had miscarried twice before, so I didn't want to take any chances)...and I just couldn't take it anymore and started crying. She did as well, because she blamed herself for the second miscarriage, because she had said the day before to her then fiancee (now husband) that she didn't want to have his baby anyway...and then she fell. She says it was her fault and that God was punishing her for not wanting her child before.

I felt like such a hypocrite telling her that wasn't true, and I felt so guilty for letting someone take away my baby when there are people that want them so badly and can't even have them. Anyway...we eventually got off that subject and joked around for a bit, and watched the "boys" play video games, and I spent the night again. Total--and I can't believe I did this, and tell me if this is completely inappropriate--I had sex with Gabe a total of 6 times while I was there. Part of me is ashamed, the other part is constantly cleaning myself, afraid of infection, and the other part is praying that there's the possibility I could get pregnant again.

The other ex (Eben) is coming back from Georgia on Sunday and I'll probably end up seeing him Monday after he get's off work...so I'm not really sure what to say or do about him right now. Even though we're not together, I feel like I've betrayed him. But, I guess I'm still to angry at him to care too much...

Anyway, I'm babbling...sorry for the long post, I just needed to sort all of it out in my head.

Hope you all are having a good weekend."

Oh, and for the record...saying the sex was strange with Gabe is an understatement. It felt completely different, although good or bad I cannot tell...I just think I might be disconnecting myself from him, while of course he latches onto me and we spoon in the middle of the night...

I feel so pathetic, doing that with him just so I could be CLOSE to someone, just for the mere possiblity that I could have a baby again? What if I get an infection? What if I have sex with Eben and I'm in the same predicament as lasttime.

Stupid, stupid, stupid...