I keep wondering where all the dead babies go. The miscarriages, abortions, stillborns. Where are they? Floating around in Purgatory, or maybe in heaven, without having even been born with the so called Original Sin? Or are they just nonexistant?

I'd like to think God takes care of them. Watches over them until their mothers get there, grateful that their child is not gone forever.

If that's the case, I have 3 babies waiting for me. I can picture the two miscarriages, and the aborted baby constantly screaming and crying at me for abandoning him.

I can forgive Eben and Gabe for wanting me to do this. I can forgive my parents as well. But I can never, ever forgive myself. Never.

You know, all I need is a stillborn to add to the list? Then I can do something crazy like leave a dead baby in my stomach like my birthmother did. Then I can officially fall apart.

I'm desperate enough to throw myself at Eben or Gabe, the two men who I know will sleep with me without a condom. Gabe hasn't called me today though (for once) so I guess it's all Eben. That is, till he leaves and runs off to Canada, only to be seen in short spurts, forever making me feel guilty, continously telling me how much he loves me. Gabe is no better. I admit my jealousy to him, start crying, and he changes the subject. He wants to talk about himself. If my car wasn't in the shop he'd be calling me right now, telling me to come over.

I know I'm not supposed to have sex for 2 weeks but I don't particularly care. As long as I don't render myself infertile, I don't give a shit. Apparently I can get pregnant 2 weeks after this abortion. Of course I'm supposed to be taking birth control pills by then. Well SUPPOSED to anyway.

Yes, I am a glutton for punishment. A horrible, selfish glutton for punishment. But this time the glutton is going back to school, penching pennies, and convincing her parents to get an apartment. This glutton is going to be more careful next time.

I am a sick, sick girl. Or maybe just lonely. Either way, I know getting pregnant again is wrong. But no matter how much I know that, I feel my still swollen stomach and feel for the heartbeat I could feel less than 2 days ago. And then I begin to sob, and vow that this will never happen again. No one will take this away from me again.

Never.

P.S. Thank you for all the comments, I do appreciate them, I really do.