Sorry I haven't been around, I had to reinstall AOL to make my internet explorer work. Figures.

Anyway, I got an ultrasound on the 2nd. The heartbeat was there, everything's fine. I even got pictures, which I was very happy about. I immediately showed them to Eben when he got home...and he stared at them for about 5 minutes before giving them back. Then he just put his head in his hands...the stress must be getting to him. Little does he know...

He is supposed to be talking to his boss today about relocation. I'm a bit worried about that, not only because I might not be able to get there with him right away, but because this child might be Gabe's and what happens if I move with Eben and it's not his child? Do I have to get new health insurance? What do I tell my parents?

I'm already concerned enough as it is about healthcare and my family. I had lunch with my mother yesterday, and we ended up talking about my future, and my abandonment issues (as in my mom thinking finding my birthmother will help). She also saw my tongue ring. Those aren't really my problems though. I really, truly don't want to hurt my mother anymore. My father either, but my mother is much more fragile. Guilt is so fun, isn't it?

Speaking of guilt, I started crying during a heated discussion about cheating after Eben told me about the new woman at work hitting on him. Now Eben either thinks I'm crazy, or knows something is up. We'll see.

I have been thinking about Gabe a lot though. Way too much. Fantasizing about Gabe is getting me nowhere...but at least I've kept myself from calling him. It's all fucking over if I break down and do that.

This is what I get for moving on to someone else when I'm still in love with Gabe. Then again, maybe if I'd stopped contact with Gabe in the first place, I wouldn't be in this situation. You know he lied when he told me he'd thrown away almost everything I'd given him? He's thrown away the letters apparently, but kept everything else...my handmade Valentine's gift, pictures, etc., etc...that makes it worse though. How the hell can either of us have a decent relationship when all we do is hold on to what we can no longer have? Who knows what will happen with us if this child is his? And if it isn't...well that's even more confusing. He also said that he screwed over every girl that was ever good to him. There's a few others (not his ex-wife) and I was the only girl that he cared about after his ex-wife. That's in almost 4 years. And things continue to get more depressing for the both of us...but he gets to use his "fondness" for alcohol as his comfort. What do I have?

Okay, that's enough. I'll shut up now.