Read this entry at the risk of seeing one big fat cliche. You have been warned...

Eben came by during his lunch hour and I wish he hadn't. Before he got here, I was still unhappy with what had happened, but essentially, I was fine. Now? I'm in pieces. We put each other under our own little microscopes and pointed out every flaw, everything we'd done wrong to each other. Our words weren't hateful, but caused plenty of pain just the same. The guilt that I have tried to hide from myself is rearing its ugly head again, suffocating me. During our conversation I even had trouble breathing, my throat kept trying to close up, holding back sobs.

What I see now is I have no right to magnify his flaws in such a way when I have so many of my own. All I've done is try to make this not work...which is what I've always done. Even with Gabe, I tried to do it, even when it was hurting me as well. I guess it's because I would rather be the one hurting myself, then letting them do it first. I want to set myself up for disappointment and pain before it finds me. I guess I seem to think that it's easier that way. It's not. Pain is pain, no matter who or at what time it comes from.

You know he said if I didn't want to live with him anymore he'd leave and pay for me to live here? To help me out if I decide to leave him here? But that he came into this thinking we were going to spend our lives together. And he's tried to help me so many times and what to I do? Fuck it up. Fuck everything up. He says I deserve better than this, that I'm not the girl who just cheats and doesn't care. He knows the latter part is true, and that's what I don't reveal to anyone. It makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. But about that first part? How can I deserve better than this? What have I done to make myself deserve better? NOTHING, that's what. Abosolutely-fucking-nothing.

If you ever read this Eben, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for putting you through all of this, and for blabbing everything in this diary...but it's the only way I know how to sort out my thoughts now without doing something stupid. Pathetic, I know, but the truth.

One last tidbit...I would find this funny if things weren't going to shit right now, but it's very intresting how we forget what we do when we're in sleep, or close to it. You see, Eben and I's heads were on seperate ends of the bed. He came up to me and held me while we were sleeping, and I pushed him away. He then came to the side of the bed and told me he didn't want to hurt me and that he loved me. Apparently I just looked out at him with one eye and then covered my head with the comfortor. Strange what our subconcious has us do...you know what I REALLY fucking hate though? The fact that while he was here I wanted him to get the fuck out at one moment and stop hurting me, the next just pull me close and not let go. My conflicting emotions are very tiring...

I have to make my decision on what I'm going to do today. Just thinking about it is suffocating me. Knowing full well I won't make the right decision...definitely not the best feeling in the world...

P.S. There's another entry from today before this one if you're intrested in a little more angry of an entry than a depressing one.