Everything was fine. I found out he was getting his money back for the car accident, the rent was paid for...and even dinner with my parents went well. Everything was fine.

But now, chaos. Of course, he doesn't know that yet. He doesn't know that while I was drunk lastnight I got out a bunch of files...which I was going to put back, but thought hey, what'll the harm be? Now I wish I didn't know what those files contained, besides bills and other unintresting things. It contained a few letters as well, dated about a year ago.

I know what you're thinking...why would I care about that? I've only been in Eben's life a few months, how big of a deal could a letter dated a year ago be? Big. Humongous. Life-altering?

From his wife, in Ghana and his daughter Araba (or Arada, couldn't tell with the handwriting). It seemed as if she was trying to get here, couldn't wait any longer. I don't know what happened, and I don't want to know. I want to take a big fat fucking eraser to my brain and erase all the shit I've found out when I snooped the other times, that "bad night" we had a few weeks ago, all the financial problems, and now his wife and child (please let there only be one). I don't want to remember any of this. You know his dad's been married 4 times? No kids with the most recent wife, but Eben has 2 brothers, 1 sister, 6 half-siblings, and 3 step-siblings. Eben always seemed to look down on his father for this, for cheating on his wives and marrying multiple times. Now I think that was all a crock of shit. I don't care is the culture in Ghana is different (I've learned a lot about Ghana in the past few weeks), it doesn't mean he can marry someone and just leave his family there, while he's here in the US. I don't care that he's sending them money or what the reasons are that they aren't together now. It's still not right.

But, you know what I'm thinking right now? Whoever says ignorance isn't bliss is a fucking dumbass. Ignorant is better in this case, better than naive, better than human doormat, better than being a complete fool...for believing in someone you were scared of falling in love with. Whom within a few short months, I have fallen in love with. I love him and I want to rip him to pieces at the same time. My heart aches in my chest and I feel empty. So fucking empty.

I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I can't. What do I say to him? Hey, sorry, I was snooping through your stuff when I was drunk, and decided to read a lot of it while I was sober. And I saw the letters. How do I say that?

I am pathetic. I must be pathetic, to not be leave a voicemail full of obscenities, or at least planning something to yell for when he gets back from Florida. But here I sit, wondering if I should say anything at all...because hey, I'm the one that's here right, I'm the one living with him. Honestly though, who's to say he's really doing business now? Who's to say he was doing business in Boston 2 weeks ago? You know what? Who cares. Who fucking cares...ignorance is bliss remember? No more snooping. Just live with the lies, because hey, I shouldn't really be talking right? I was with Gabe while he was in Boston, and if Gabe had called this weekend and wanted to see me, I would have driven out there in a heartbeat.

Isn't it funny that Gabe did the same thing to me. Except he lied several months about having an EX-wife and daughter, and his friend told me to try and break us up. Of course, we were together for another year. And, I don't regret any of it. But, I guess we'll see where this one goes, right?

So, here goes nothing. I'll be living under a pretty blanket of lies, where I will let my self destructive tendencies keep me company. Off I go to finish watching "Unfaithful" (oh, the irony) and listen to "The Blood Canticle" on tape. Oh, and wait for the laxes to kick in (they better fucking kick in). So goodnight everyone. I hope your weekend was better than mine.

EDITED: Oh, and I'm still waiting for my period. Ha, all is really right with the world...