*DON'T READ IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH*

Well, today has been fun so far. I woke up around 8, scared shitless (haha, no pun intended) that the laxatives haven't worked yet. But of course, less than an hour later, I was overcome by nausea, and they worked.

It doesn't stop there though. The nausea hasn't gone away...and for the first time since February, I threw up involuntarily. This was when I was taking 25-50 laxatives almost everyday, and I dropped below 95 pounds. I remember being proud and scared at the same time, but today...I don't know. I was just scared because the entire package (25) wasn't working, and was afraid I'd be right back to being that sick again...not in the skinny sense, but in the "Oh my God I can't move because I feel so fucking sick sense". The mere fact that I may not be able to keep food down on my own right now is both welcome and scary.

So, where do I go from here? Before I threw up, I was considering Atkins (already lost weight on it once...) but the fact that it is so trendy pisses me off, so I probably won't do it. I may just stick to the salad and celery in the fridge...which I am now broke from buying. I convinced my father to give me my monthly money early (in case you don't know, this money is being given to me to stay out of the porn business) after I stopped by my parents house yesterday to get ruined towels so I could dye my hair.

Anyway, so on Friday I won't be broke anymore, and Matt will have gotten his money back, so there I go back to that form of self destruction. But of course I can't take the pills until Eben gets back because I'll have to drive myself home this weekend, that is if I even bother to go out...so, I may just rent movies and be a hermit this weekend, aside from dinner with my parents. I just pray I don't stuff my face while I'm over there...margaritas are the only welcome calories as far as I'm concerned.

One thing about this does piss me off though...I was so close to being normal. I was writing about other things in my life...Eben, my friends, my family, Gabe, going out, financial shit, other personal shit...but now, it looks like it's all going back to food. I was so fucking close...and now, this. This is the turning point where I choose being normal, or the eating disorder...and frankly, I'm scared I'm going to pick the latter.