I was doing so well...so fucking well. And now what? A shitty binge I can barely get up, that is agonizing to get any bit up. And now I have to go get laxes again, because what else can I do?

I want to understand this. I want to understand WHY I keep doing this...I just want to fucking understand, is that too much to ask? How to I explain this to Eben? How do I explain why I keep going to the bathroom so fucking much in the middle of the night, why I couldn't finish his fucking ironing? Oh sorry baby, I was curled up on the floor between spurts of having to run to the bathroom. So sorry, baby.

There's something about the way he looks at me now, so...off. Is it because he knows what's going on, or what? Or because he's reading this and knows just about everything?

I have to go get the laxatives now, before he gets home. And clean up this mess...shit. I really can't do this anymore, I really can't. I can't go on hating myself this way. I have people in this world who love me, who deserve better than this. I need to be better than this.