I'm sitting here thinking, what do I truly want...I mean really, truly want. Do I want to sacrifice everything to be skinny? Do I really want to suffer that much?

Last night I nearly went crazy while Eben was cooking. He was going to bake the chicken for me instead of frying it, but I said I wasn't going to eat it, so he fried it. And I had to go out on the balcony and smoke, because I was about to cry. Cry because I knew that chicken wasn't going to sit here without getting eaten by me, because I knew whether I was hungry or not, I was going to stuff my face with it. So, at around 11 today, I stuffed my face with chicken and rice...and now I probably gained back everything I've lost in the past two days in one meal, for what? I suffered all that, for what? So now I want the laxatives again because I just want the food to go away, to disappear. I want to disappear.

The problem that conflicts with that is that I have to take Eben to the airport tomorrow, and I can't do that if I'm sick. I told him I wouldn't have him drive there himself and pay for parking...so now I have to do it. Damnit...I want so badly just not to care about all this. I want that so fucking badly but I don't know how to make this shit go away. I admit that there were times when I wasn't even trying, but I'm fucking trying now and it's getting me nowhere. I haven't had a successful purge in 2 weeks, and I didn't even try to purge this time (goddamn fucking tongue ring)...I even thought about taking it out and risking it closing up...but I didn't. Surprising how a tongue ring may be the thing that saves my life.

I'm not going to get the laxatives...not today anyway. If I still want them that badly tomorrow, the hell with it. I'll just do some exercizes today, and everything will be fine. I just won't weigh myself tomorrow morning.

What I really need to do is break that scale...that thing was the bane of my existence yesterday...and I can't go back to that. I can't go back to not only being afraid of the calories in food, but the mere weight of the food itself.

You know I didn't want Eben to touch me at all yesterday. I wanted to push him off me...but it took everything in me to try and act like everything was okay. I think I even convinced myself of that, a bit...

I'm going to go drink some wine and wait for Eben and his friend from work to get here (he wants to meet me) and then maybe go get some sour candy. I've been craving it, and I want it, damnit. So, today I will try valiantly to be normal. We'll see what tomorrow holds...

P.S. Sorry about having another food/body related entry...I had some stuff I really wanted to say about the debate last night, but I'm afraid it won't come out right right now...so I'm not even going to go there.

EDITED: Okay, so I was in a better mood after Eben and his friend came by, but then for some reason I decided to check out Azrel's site (the one I paid for...) and see if he had done anything with it. All that was there was "Gone..." as the heading, and then the rest was just "deceased". Even though he's not my favorite person in the world, I hope it's just his record label or the site that's dead, and not him. He'd talked about suicide a few times...and I just hope he didn't do that. I'm not sure why I care, but I know for sure I hope he's not dead, I really do.