I know I've already written today (it was just a list, but still)...but this thought keeps plaguing me. Everytime I read a magazine and see a celebrity with their kids, or watch tv and see a tv show with women with kids on it (you get the point)...I freak out. I have this fear that I'll never be able to have children because of what I've done to my body. With the eating disorder, X, the miscarriages...what if I can NEVER have children?

Yes, I know that's not the only thing women are here for...but it's something I've wanted for as long as I can remember, but I just wanted to wait for the right time. But what if by the time that right time comes, I can't have a baby anymore? Just the thought itself is devastating.

I guess this is why I've been sort of "gambling" when I'm with Eben. I ran out of birth control several weeks ago, and I know even if I were to make an appointment for the gyno today, I wouldn't get in for at least a month. And of course, Eben and I aren't using condoms. What the hell am I trying to do? Prove to myself that I can get pregnant? I don't think so. I'm not even sure what I'm thinking.

All I know is right now I just need to finish the ironing before these fucking laxatives kick in...oh, and a shorter tongue ring still doesn't let me purge...hopefully when I get the one that's flat on the top (supposed to hide the piercing), I will be able to. Of course I went to go pick up the package that held it at the post office today, but by the time I got there, it was too late. Oh well...such is my life. EDITED: The fact that Christy thinks she might be pregnant (negative test, no period though) does not help any of this.