I hate it when I wake up and listen to my body like I don't hate it. Just eat like a normal person...but then I feel disgusted, and I still can't purge yet cause of the tongue ring. Is it wrong to want to put in a shorter one for the sole purpose of puking?

Gabe called yesterday. After one fucking week, he just HAD to call. Just to shake up my world a little more, just throw me a little more off kilter. I left my sunglasses there, and he said I should come over and get them. That's the last thing I need right now...I hate him. I hate how he can have this effect on me...we've been broken up for 7 months! He cheated on me, abandoned me because of the eating disorder, wasn't there for me when I was pregnant, only wanted me after I'd miscarried...and then only to say HIS pride couldn't handle being with me again after I'd sought "comfort" from his friend. But yet, I still have feelings for him and it pisses me off to no end...and what pisses me off even more is that he knows. He knows how I feel, and he's using it...hell, I don't know if it's because he can't let go either, or what. I don't particularly care. I want him out of my life but I can't find it in me to make him go away.

I do love Eben, I really do. And I feel so fucking guilty...I mean, I'm costing him so much money because of the car accident...and since he's met me, all he's had is problems. He was FINE before he met me...and if he hadn't met me he could take one of the job offers in Oklahoma or Canada without a second thought...but he says that he's tied to me now. That I'm stuck to him like super glue...I told him if he went to Oklahoma I could go to OSU...I did have a scholarship there after all...but is that what I want? He keeps asking me what I want, and I don't know. Do I really want cooking school? And I know if I continue with the adult business stuff there's a good chance I could hate myself for it afterwards...I mean, no matter how much I put up this big front like sex doesn't matter, it does. It matters way too fucking much...that much was proven to me when I was with Eben last night.

Anyway...I just need to figure out what I want. Eben and I had a long talk about everything last night...what we both want, even the whole schtick about sex meaning nothing to me...which bothers him a great deal. And of course, he found the knife from yesterday morning in the bed...all I did was open a few scabs with it (yes, gross to some of you I know)...but that doesn't count as SI does it? I didn't MAKE any new scars...but I wanted to. I wanted to so bad...which brings me to the fact that I bought several X-acto knife blades...not good, I know. I don't particulary care...well, don't want to anyway.

All right, off to shower (I end a lot of entries this way, don't I?). Hopefully Eben and I will be able to go out tonight, after we do a bunch of wonderful errands...of course I've been avoiding Nino (which means no going with her anywhere, not tonight anyway), but I don't really have the energy to talk to her right now. She gets offended if you want to get off the phone and you haven't talked for at least an hour...anyway, I'm off. Everyone have fun tonight, wish me luck on doing the same.

P.S. Oh, and there will be a few new pictures up soon (on the cast and bio pages), but don't get mad if I don't get them up today...