So, I'm back. And honestly, my feelings are so jumbled up I don't know where to start...

You know what's weirder than anything? That even though he was even skinnier than usual, hair was a big, wavy mess and sticking up everywhere, and he needed to shave...but none of it mattered. When he kissed me, none of it mattered at all. I hate how he can do that. What I hate even more, is the way he looked at me. Even all the words, "I missed you so much", "I'm sorry", "I never should have let you go"...meant nothing without the look in his eyes..and that fucking smile...

I shouldn't have gone. I was only reminding myself of what I can't have, what neither of us can have back. The bad thing is, I know I'm not the only one who wants it back. But it's too late. I wish more than anything that it wasn't...

Gabe: "We're both moving on, both letting go."

Katy: "But we aren't."

Gabe: "And that's why you're here."

So, here I am. Stuck, as usual. Stuck with my stomach in knots, and tears swelling up in my throat. But no, I can't cry. I just can't. There's so much more I could say...but I won't. All I know is I can't go back, no matter how much I wish I could. So, I sit here, alone. Wondering what the hell I'm going to do, and how I'm going to keep this from Eben. I love Gabe so much....so fucking much...still. I hate that he can make sex meaningful, I don't WANT it to be meaningful! How can I go to D.C. and work if sex is meaningful...how can I deal with all the past shit if sex is meaningful? I can't. It can't.

Eben just called. Kept saying how much he misses me, how much he loves me. How beautiful I am. I don't deserve it though, not any of it.

So, time to take out my anger on my poor defenseless body. I looked at it last night and was disgusted, completely disgusted. I just want to disappear and not feel any of this shit anymore. I'm so sick of FEELING. If I didn't have to see my aunt in a few hours I'd start drinking. But, that will have to wait. Along with the laxatives...the punishment I deserve. I don't care how badly it hurts, just as long as I lose weight. I have to concentrate on that now...I have too. It's the only thing I can do to keep myself from falling apart.