So, let's see. Eben knows I'm puking a lot, and I can tell is getting sick of my moods...but whatever. That's not what I'm worried about right now.

I think he falls in love VERY easily. Why do I say that NOW, you ask? Why not the first day we spoke, when he told me he loved me? Why not when we decided to move in together, after less than a month? Why not when I found out about Carmen (although, supposedly, the feeling is not mutual)? Well, for starters, I found a gold pocket watch from Carmen which has engraved in it: "Eben My Priceless Blessing...'Love Conquers All...' Carmen 07-04-04". Which, even if I disregard that because it's Carmen, is still pretty fucked up considering I found letters from someone named Janet close to that day, saying how much she loved him...and others on her and Eben's ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY...I don't fucking care if the girl is in the Philippines...she's madly in love with Eben, or was in July at least. And he's telling me he didn't have sex for a year before me? Bullshit...

What I'm scared of more than anything, is that even if he didn't love Carmen, he loved this girl Janet, and fell out of love with her just as easily...and that could happen to me. That his love has only a one year time span, and then *poof* it expires. I don't doubt that he loves me...what I doubt is the timespan of it. One of Janet's letters talked about Eben saying something about their "destiny"...geez. I don't know what to think right now.

These thoughts hurt me to the extent to think about calling all these porn/escort people I've been ignoring...and just jump headfirst. I know I've been just talking about it for awhile but I just need to do it...after all, why give it up when he's not going to love me this time next year anyway? Why bother?

And also, why bother with trying to eat? I b/ped 3 times yesterday, and once this morning and then stopped...I don't know why I stopped purging but fuck that. Anything that goes into this body besides diet drinks, water, and alcohol will come directly back out. Speaking of alcohol...when Eben comes back today we need to go "liquid" shopping...he's out of his wine (he gets a HUGE jug of it), his beer, and his gallon size water thing...and I'm almost out of soda and need some more "flavored" beers...I'm going to save it all for while he's gone...and if I run out of that I'm stuck with sleeping pills...but I don't care...who knows, maybe even some laxatives...I'll be a completely different person when he gets back. On my way to a pile of bones...I may even call this guy Eric over in Galveston who does porn work and do that while Eben's gone...or maybe the guy in Miami, or Las Vegas...just fly out there without telling him. That is, if I'm not too sick. Need to get a handle on this before these opportunities pass me by...oh...and can't forget...I want to get my tongue pierced too...and get some more X pills...

When the fucking hell did it come to THIS?

EDITED: Gabe called...talked to him a few days ago too. He asked me again when Eben was going out of town...aye, aye...this, of course, after our last conversation when he told me to be good to him. And, of course he's still with the other Katie. Oh...this one video company won't stop calling...I finally answered the call and they want me to come to Austin Saturday, kind of a party and work type thing...but, the problem is, I have to see my aunt Saturday...and who knows who will call this weekend (and not just work, lol)? If they want me so bad, they can see me next week when Eben is out of town...there. Decision made...kind of. Anyway, I've written enough for today...till we meet again...