Well, more shit to write about, as usual...went out to another club tonight with Eben and Sam...took 3 tabs...came back here and had amazing sex despite my period (first time I didn't want to stop someone from doing anal!).

Anyway, I finally brought up Carmen. He had very good reasons for everything, and I won't get into the details...but she does really want to be with him. I can't be a hypocrite and get pissed about it though...not when so many guys (and now a girl) like me. We talked about a lot of other stuff too...the disorder, the rapes (earlier today), therapy, etc. We did get to have a nice shower together as well...

How can he look at me and love me? How can he know all that he knows and still love me? I mean come on, LOOK AT ME!

I have so much shit to do today...laundry, manicure/pedicure, tanning bed, shopping for slutty clothes, dinner with the parents, and then out with Nino...and of course tomorrow is Eben's 28th birthday and I have no idea what I'm going to do for it...great. Something else I have to worry about.

And of course I'm nervous about going up to Chicago...but if all else fails I'll get to see Billy (a guy who used to like me) and Mitzy (the chick I've been talking to). I better have some free time...but what I'm worried about most is that I'm going to come back hating sex, and I don't want that. Sex has felt good for the first time since Gabe and I want it to stay that way...

Too many fucking memories were talked about today...I'm so tired...Eben knows I'm still puking and is worried, we're supposed to have a "talk" soon...I don't care. I just want to be like it used to be, to where at least one thing stayed constant...my obsession with weight. I want to weigh 90 something pounds again...just skin and bones.

Wishful thinking Katy, wishful thinking...