I'm too angry to even take the time to purge...it's like my life isn't even my own hands anymore. The only thing I have control over is whether I live or die in the near future. And, honestly, I wish I had never gotten close to recovering. I wish I was still deathly afraid of food and that I had died, or was very close to it now. I really, really can't take this shit anymore...I can't.

I was already apprhensive about today...I thought it was just 'cause of the job shit...but it goes way beyond that. I mean, I can't do the escorting shit, I know that much now. My parents will have them shut down within days...I'm already probably being followed. My parents have still had an investigator hired...and they almost had something "done" to A before they figured out I wasn't with him. Same with Jayhon as well, who I don't even talk to anymore. They are willing to hurt ANYONE that knows me, no matter how much or how little I care about them.

I hate that I do care about A, and despite my thoughts in the past I know he cares...and I wish he didn't. It would be so much easier to let my parents do their shit if he didn't. I know that he wouldn't put up with any of this shit if he didn't care...and the way he sounded when he said he missed me hurt so much...because I have fucked him over. And no matter how much he's pissed me off, I know he cares, and I know he hasn't been with anyone else since we've been talking...which just makes what I'm doing that much more fucked up.

I talked to my parents, and they say they aren't doing anything but I can't believe them anymore. I can't trust my own family...I can't trust anyone and that hurts SO MUCH. I don't know who's being honest with me and who's not...why did things have to come to this? WHY?

I can't even get into the other things going on in my head right now...there's just too much shit to deal with all at once and I can't do it anymore. I want to die so badly at this moment and I pray the feeling passes...for my own good, and for everyone involved...

I really hope I see A today, even if I do have to give him money. I don't care about that anymore...I just want to kiss him one last time...to just hold him against me and remember what that feels like. The more time I get to spend next to him, the better...but even a few minutes is worth it. I need to say my goodbyes.

I wish I could see everyone I care about today. Kristina, A, Gabe, Christy, Nino, and anyone else who gives a shit about me...even my family. No matter how angry I am I love them. I love them so much and that's what makes this hurt so bad. I can't stop crying...and what makes this even more fucked up is that I don't even care I ate breakfast. I'm in so much pain that shit doesn't matter anymore. Who would have thought...? It doesn't matter though...I'm dying inside either way...now it just feels like my fucking soul has been crushed and I'm suffocating. I'm suffocating and I don't know what to do...this hurts so bad and I'm so scared...and not just for everyone else...but for myself. Because no matter what my parents think about A or Eben, I am my own worst enemy...and they may be able to protect me from them, but they can't protect me from myself.

That, my friends, is the scariest thing of all.