Sometimes I wonder but I'm still doing here...not in Corpus, but here at all. Here on this earth. I am good for nothing...except maybe sex.

Nevermind about my self pity...I'll shut up about that now. I'm still packing...Eben is going to be here tomorrow afternoon...but I might have an escorting job before then, if I take it. I'm very apprehensive of doing it without a company...I don't know, maybe I'm just being paranoid. We'll see.

This morning I felt very guilty because Eben was telling me about his night out to dinner with a few friends...it turns out one of his friend's girlfriend was there with another guy when she was supposed to be out of town (which the boyfriend wrote her a check for). She'd also been living with him...and after a slight fight, lied about even being his girlfriend in the police report...so, he got a restraining order on her, which means she won't be getting her shit back. The reason I felt guilty was because that I know when I'm out of town (or when he is) I could so easily cheat on him without him knowing (and I probably will)...and I'm not talking about business shit..

You know, I just realized how easy it would be to just start taking laxatives again, to starve and just b/p at night...when I'm around a guy I'm a lot more likely to starve than act all bulimic...and I can take the pills while he's out of town (and of course I'm actually in town) or make it work where the laxatives won't kick in till he's at work...I don't know...I just can't stand looking this way anymore. I just can't.

Damn...it's only 10:30 in the morning, and I'm tired. Just plain tired. Okay, enough bitching for one entry. Time to finish packing....

EDITED: Argh! I want to move to D.C., but I want to be with Eben (and it's not like I won't be okay there...I'll be appriciated, and okay financially)...but I want out of this state! I HATE Texas! I wish I hadn't met Eben...this would be so much easier if I hadn't met Eben. I know I should just be with him, work at this spa in Houston, do some amateur videos...ok, ok...I know I've talked this to death...I just keep thinking if I write it out I'll figure it out...but hey, no luck...figures.