I have so much I could write about (Gabe, A, Reggie, work, the ED thoughts)...so much happening, so much shit going on in my head, round and round...no moment is safe for me anymore, and it's a choice I made. I should have to deal...but not Eben. He doesn't deserve this. So that brings me to what I want to write about.

I made a grown man cry today.

So there, I said it. I can't believe it's true either...and it's all my fault. I thought he could handle it...but I was wrong. I was wrong to put someone through this...I know I should just break things off with him and do the work I have to do...but I'm such a selfish bitch. I always want everything...and I know regardless of how much this hurts for him, he'll do what I want him to. Such a powerful and devastating feeling at the same time. To know you have the power to tear apart someone's emotions...

Eben: There's so much going on in my head, I'm hurting so bad right now.

Me: What else is going on, or is it just me?

Eben: What else is there? (referring to what else is there but me)

Maybe it was just because he was drunk, and that's why he got so emotional...yea, Katy. Keep telling yourself that. Whatever helps you sleep at night while you're out of town fucking other people and he's at home getting drunk and crying because he loves you so fucking much. It may be business...but I have a horrible feeling I'm going to be putting him through hell for the next couple of months, and I'm too much of a cold-hearted bitch to stop it.

I am going to hell...I deserve to just starve. To starve and rot and die...well, all in good time my friend, all in good time...

EDITED: Eben stayed home from work and is still drinking. I've got so much shit going on I don't know what to do...everyone wants to be my first, wants to shoot me ASAP. And I'm turning Eben into an alcoholic. Maybe I just shouldn't move in with him...just end it.

Pfft...me be selfless? Yea, right.