Okay, so I know I should write about my weekend...but honestly, I'm still processing it. Eben really is in love with me...and that scares me. But more than anything, I wish Gabe would stop calling. He's called everyday for the past 4 days...the conversations being variably good and bad. Last night was good though.

I don't know what's up with A though. He didn't call yesterday. I got away with talking to him on Saturday though. Eben didn't ask anything about who I was talking to. I think he knew I was talking to Gabe and maybe someone else...which is why when we went out to eat on Sunday he asked if there was anything I needed to tell him. I said no of course, and then by the end of the meal he said some things about me being able to be upfront with him about ANYTHING...so, he is suspicious. I'm not really sure if I'm going to say anything to him about it...but we'll see.

Oh, and I got a tattoo Saturday...it's a very pretty one. It's a sun with a crescent moon and stars and planets on the inside. He paid the $200 for it. He also bought me a watch, burned me 3 CD's, brought me a bottle of champagne (which, like the alcoholic I'll probably turn into, I drank alone last night), paid for my groceries, took me out to eat 3 times, and to the movies. Nothing is going to scare this guy away either. He knows about all 3 rapes (yes, even the one when I was 7), both miscarriages, all the shit with my parents and how they invesigated A, the bulimia (but not that it's still going on), the old SI cuts and burns, the drugs, all the sex (even the shit I did when I was in elementry school)...pretty much everything. Well, except that I'm still looking to date around...and that I'm still in love with Gabe. You know when I talked to him earlier and I talked about how I hated it here in Corpus he mentioned me moving in with him? He's giving me time to think about how serious I want this to be...but I don't know. I don't want to jump into anything just because I don't want to be here...or be under my parents' thumbs anymore. I don't need anymore regrets.

He wants babies too. Nine of them, to be exact. I had to talk him down from twelve. Crazy, huh? I don't get it. Why guys fall in love with me/like me so much and so fast. I really, truly don't get it. Hell, for the time being I still have one guy coming Friday, and another coming Sunday. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I want to get back into the swing of things with this disorder. It's getting out of hand. I'm not fat by the real definition of it, but I don't care. I am fat. I let myself eat normal this weekend but that can't happen anymore. I need to get back to a double 0...being a 6 feels disgusting. So fucking disgusting...I just hope I can do it without the laxatives this time. It hurts too much now...my insides are too fucked up for that shit.

Anyway, enough whining and babbling. I'm going to go get a humongous Diet Coke and sit on my ass and watch CSI dvd's...and then maybe drink by myself. Yay, I lead such an exciting life...