A had no fucking right to speak to me that way. All I did was say "Why not?" when he asked me why I was writing...after weeks of no fighting, no bitching about him not being around, loaning him more money, doing shit on the website for him...those two small words make him treat me like shit again. I have a man who is in love with me and I let A treat me this way...why? A asked me who I think I am for talking to him that way...which is a good question, partially. Who do I think I am by letting someone treat me like the bottom of their fucking shoe? Why am I his "bitch"? Well, fuck him. He can pay his own fucking cable bill, he can make his own fucking website, he can borrow money from someone else, he can walk all over someone else. That is why a 32 year old man chose an 18 year old girl...because he thought he could mold me exactly into what he wanted. Who fucking cares if he gets famous. Who cares if he ends up writing songs that put me down...I'll deal. I may not like myself very much right now, but even I know I deserve better than this.

And, on top of all that he interrupted a 2 hour conversation with Eben...which also highlighted our talk earlier in the day about the continuance of my disorder. I don't get why Eben loves me...or why any of these other guys want me. Yes, I know for some it's probably just fucking...but Eben's different...I almost wish he wasn't though. I'm used to guys like A, or guys like Gabe. I want to be ready for something real though, not someone who will walk all over me. I really just want to be happy, I just don't know how. Ever since I was 7 years old I forgot how to be happy, I've just been hiding. Well, no more hiding. I'm done. It's time to get over my shit and move on to something better. It's time to start going to class and not b/ping all day. It's time to get in a healthy, happy, normal relationship. It's time to build normal friendships and keep them that way. It's time to have respect for myself.

So, that's it. No more running. No more bullshit from A (but if Gabe continues to call, I'm not sure what I'm going to do). I'll let this weekend happen with Anthony and Kas if that's what I really, truly want...and then I'll go from there and see if I want to be with Eben. Or who knows, this weekend may not happen that way. All I know is I have to get rid of outside destruction to deal with my own self destruction...

EDITED: A apologized in his own weird way. I think it's because if I'm pissed he can't use me. Yay. Woo-hoo...NOT.