Yes, I know, another entry. I've been writing way too much lately, haven't missed a day in at least two weeks, and there are some double and even triple entries (well, they were "extras", but still)...but I have so much on my mind and I don't know what to do with it.

I really don't want to stop this diary or lock it...it pisses me off that I can't be as open as I want without being paranoid. But you know what? Fuck it. Writing is the only productive thing I know how to sort out my emotions, and I'm not about to stop now.

I got in an arguement with Reggie about me staying with Eben. He thinks that Eben is just manipulating me right now, called him a "sick fucking pervous prick" and a few other intresting names...which only caused me to become incredibly defensive in my decision to stay with Eben. I let my emotions get the best of me...I shouldn't have gotten as pissed off as I did...I shouldn't expect my friends to just accept me staying with him.

Fucking-a...what am I supposed to do? Try and trust Eben? Give things some time? Do I believe him when he says that no matter what I decide to do, he'll always remember that he loved me? It may just me being pathetic, but I really want to work this shit out. Honestly, what I want more than anything is just to take a great big eraser to my brain, and erase out the memory from last Saturday, along with all the other bullshit. But hey, that's just wishful thinking...

Anyway, I'm back to thinking about all the possible work stuff, particularly this one video company that won't leave me alone...hell, they even want to pay me just to go along with other interviews with other girls, and pay me for my interview. Really, come on...desperate much? I may be looking a gift horse in the mouth or whatever, I don't really care. I know I should get a normal job like everyone else, or at least take some cooking classes to decide if I really want to go to culinary school or something...but my thoughts are in such shambles right now, I couldn't make any decision, let alone a good one, even if I wanted to.

Damn, I'm going to be happy when I get a shorter tongue piercing in so I can purge...and I really want to cut too...how aggravating. And when the hell is Matt going to get back the money from his supplier so I can get some X? Not to mention it's definitely not a good thing that Christy told me he gets coke too...and who knows what else he can get? Okay, let's not go there...and of course I'm too nauseous for the wine coolers in the fridge right now (yay, thank you laxatives! NOT)...damn, this is bullshit. All bullshit.

All right, enough whining for one entry. I'm off to go wait for Eben to get home and watch "Girl Next Door", "Man on Fire" (lol I remember the shitty date I was on when I saw that one...), and "Taking Lives", and think of how I want to be as skinny and erethral as all the women in those movies. Damn, what I'd give to have some GOOD excitement...maybe I'll get to go out clubbing this weekend...I hope that I do, otherwise I might go stir crazy...