Eben fell asleep on the balcony. I don't know what to do right now, I really don't.

We tried to go out, but the place we went would let him in because he was wearing a Red Sox jersey (no athletic wear) and then a place close to it was only 21 and up (told him I should have gotten a fake ID). So, we drove around a bit, and came back home. We talked, messed around, and then he decided to tie me up and blindfold me. Which, I was okay with, for awhile.

*If you're squeamish, stop reading.*

Normally, I'm okay with the candle wax bit...but it got to the point it hurt so bad I was crying. We had already had sex once (the remanents of it were spread on my body along with the dried wax) but he wasn't done. He went and got the vibrator I'd bought before he left for Boston, and had run it over cold water. I kept trying to squirm away, and by then I was sobbing, begging him to stop. All he did then was pour more wax on me. He didn't care. He pushed himself inside me then...all while I was begging him to stop..."nononononono..." but he wouldn't. I was sobbing and he didn't care. He told me to tell him I loved him but I refused...so he kept going...I kept jerking on the restraints, but I couldn't get away...he stopped again,took off the blindfold...and then got the candle again...I told him I would scream if he did it and his response was "I want you to scream"...the look in his eyes and the smile on his face...I can't get it out of my head. He only stopped when I said the words "please" over and over. He rubbed my body for a bit and tried to kiss me, but I kept pulling away. He finally untied me and covered me with his robe, and then left to the balcony.

He just came back in, to eat. Not one word. Not one fucking word. I have never felt so empty in my life. I've been raped before, but not like this. Not by someone I trusted, someone I loved.

I feel like I'm suffocating. Please God, just let this be a nightmare, please. I just want to wake up and be okay...PLEASE.

Just make it go away. Make this go away.