And again, the same bullshit. I didn't talk to Eben all day today. So, unless he comes up with the best fucking excuse in the world, he's taking a taxi back from the airport. I am not here to be walked all over.

Anyway, the movie and dinner went okay. I ate a salad covered with fresh crab and shrimp, no dressing. Of course, b/ped when I got home, but who didn't expect that? I did go to Christy's after dinner though (she is next door to my parents, so it's not like it was far) and caught her up on everything, and vice versa. She's getting her nose pierced on Friday, so she thought I should come with her to get my tongue done, but since I'm picking Eben up at 10 at night on Friday (we'll see about that) I can't go. I am buying more X from her boyfriend Matt before then, which brings me to an intresting little factoid. Azrel has been buying X from Matt almost every other week for awhile now, which is bullshit because he was always asking for money from me, and now I know why. Selling it my ass...he is not buying it at $20 a pill and then selling it. Matt said he was going to up the price after Christy told him that though...haha. Anyway, that's just further proof of why I shouldn't feel guilty for lying to Azrel about Eben, and various other things. Preaching about how he doesn't drink or do drugs anymore, and is all healthy with the organic food. Bullshit. Oh...and I think he might have tried to call me a couple of nights ago. I don't know the number, but he's the only person that would call me at 2 in the morning besides Gabe, and it was a 281 number I don't know, which is how he's tried to get a hold of me when I wouldn't answer before. Who knows...

Okay, enough about that. I am hoping to get a fake ID for me and Christy though because she'd be fun to go clubbing with (she's only 16)...and the 21 and up clubs should be better than the 18 and up ones, so we'll see if I can get Eben to get them. That is, if I don't kick his ass for not taking a few minutes out of his day to call me. I also might go out tomorrow, especially if I don't hear from Eben...oh...and speaking of tomorrow hopefully I'll have that interview. I need the money (don't I always?).

I want to buy more laxatives too. I know this is probably killing me...but what isn't? I know I pretend I don't give a shit about death, or even that I want to die, but honestly I'm scared of it. What if there is a heaven and hell, and I go to hell? Or worse, what if there's nothing at all? Or I'm reincarnated into someone who is completely poverty stricken and abused? I know I'd deserve it. I can make up all the excuses in the world about why I do what I do, but in the end there are no excuses. Nothing to make up for my sluttiness, my gluttony, my drug/alcohol use...and the list could go on and on. And if I become an escort, it all ends there. I'm selling my body. It's amazing the horrible things you can see in yourself when you really look. No wonder Eben isn't calling. No wonder Gabe can't bring himself to get back together with me. No fucking wonder.

Enough of the pity party. Enough of all the bullshit. I just want to be happy though. I want that so bad.

I really do miss Eben, I really do. I wish so much that I didn't. I wish I didn't love him...

And Gabe. Can't forget Gabe, now can I? (And yes, I do know the picture is blurry. There are better pictures here and here.)