Well, everything has gone to hell. I don't think A and I are together anymore...I don't even want to write about it, it will just make me more upset.

So, now it's up to me to prove to him that I am progressing, that I am going to change. That's the only thing I can think of...

Damn...yesterday was complete shit...it makes me feel so sick. I do know one thing now though...I'm not the girl I used to be. I'm not the little drug using, slutty, self injuring, all around destructive girl I once was. I guess that's the only good thing that came from yesterday.

But it isn't stuff with A (or Gabe, or Ray-explanation on him later) that is really getting to me right now. There's a memory that I have blocked out (very well I might add) until a few weeks ago. 11 years of blocking that shit out and POOF...it's back. Maybe all this shit wouldn't have happened if I'd dealt with it earlier...but there's nothing I can do about it now. But, I did tell A I was going to tell my parents about it...so now I have to...joy. Something else to destroy my family.

I keep telling myself there were so many things A never let me do that I want to...like for example, getting a tattoo...and having an online diary. And, I'll also get my car back if we stop seeing each other (which is the way it looks right now). So...who the hell knows what is going to happen. All I know is that the 2 people I wanted to see while I was back in Houston are the only 2 who don't seem to want to see me that badly...A and Gabe. Story of my life...

I do care about both of them, I really do. I wish I knew what to do to make this right...I just have to progress. Even if both of them aren't in my life romantically, I'd rather have friendship (or business partnership in A's case) than nothing at all. I just have to accept it...