I don't know what to think right now. I'm still in shock and it has been many hours since they told me they had A investigated. It makes me feel sick.

And now he's all paranoid, and rightfully so. He wants to keep things strictly "business" right now...which makes me feel...well, just plain shitty. It's hard to just pretend like that...I don't know if I can do that.

I AM SO FUCKING MAD!!!! I'm 18 years old, I should be able to date who I want. So what if he's 32? So what if he's black? So what if he changed his name? So what if his past isn't fucking perfect? He doesn't have kids, he's never been married...yea, I'll admit he's made me feel like shit many times but there are certainly good times that have made up for that. Hell, he spent the night with me and didn't even try to have sex with me. What guy does that? Not very many, I'll tell you that.

And of course I'm talking to my ex Gabe as I talk to A online. I want to cry because of the shit A is saying...and I want to cry because Gabe might not be able to see me while I'm in Houston because of his work schedule and my lack of a car (long shitty story).

I wish I'd purged my dinner tonight. I feel so fucking sick.